Dr. Carol Clark

Be In Light

The offspring of a customized orbiter
Dr. Carol Clark is a Board certified sex therapist and addictions counselor; and president and senior instructor for Therapy Certification Training, the International Transgender Certification Association, and the International Institute of Clinical Sexology.
Our over-stimulated lifestyles have led to a disconnection from each other and the Universe. The themes and exercises in this book will help you to Connect and be present, leading to a more fulfilled and peaceful life.
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Dr. Carol L Clark

 

As with many aspects of addiction, the concept of power and control is very paradoxical in nature.  When we think we’re in control, we’re really not; and when we feel out of control, we’re most likely exerting control in a way that results in others feeling powerless.

As with parents and children, the parent has the power, but how often does a parent feel controlled by the child?  If you have children, you know what I mean.  The child cries, you go running.  The child has a tantrum in public, you feel frustrated to the point of panic.  The child, on the other hand, is trying to be in control, but innately knows that he can’t handle it so pushes the limits until control is imposed. 

Couples do this all the time.  They feel out of control – frustrated, hurt, angry, unimportant – and so act out in a way to try to control each other.  This is the essence of what is often called co-dependence.  It goes to what I call locus of control.  When I try to meet an internal need through controlling external factors, I will inevitably fail.  The only thing I can really control is myself – my thoughts, feelings and behavior.  I can control how I view the world.  I can control how I view myself.  I can choose what I want my life to mean.  What I cannot control is you – what you do, say, believe, or how you feel about me.

In trying to control anything other than myself, I put distance between myself and others and this is often an unconscious dynamic between couples who have a fear of intimacy.  They believe they want to be intimate, but they are afraid for a myriad of reasons, most of which are rooted in childhood, when they had no control and felt powerless. 

Power and control help to maintain distance and prevent intimacy.  Next time you have an argument with someone, take a moment to explore how you are putting distance between yourself and that person.  What are you trying to control?  Ask yourself if that is really what you want, or do you want to be more intimate and close? 

Do you want to be Connected?